Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
