he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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