Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
