Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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