I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
