I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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