Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
