Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
