remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
