so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
