??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
