I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
