dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
