If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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