god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
