I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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