If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
