Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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