just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
