My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
