Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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