Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
