Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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