oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
