i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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