You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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