It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
