omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
