Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
