tell your sister to shave her snatch
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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