I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
