Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
