what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
