Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
