so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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