Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
