Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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