Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
