Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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