I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
