So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
