I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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