No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
