I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
