Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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