I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
