I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
