I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
