You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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