break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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